no kidding.i keep on crying.i keep on crying.i miss it so much so much i feel like there’s a hole in my heart.i feel so incomplete.i promise you, i was so complete,my heart is so in one good condition whn i was there.i have been so calm i forgot all my problems.i forgot all the sadness because i was sooo occupied by being there.by enjoying every ibadah which i knew it pays big.by just seeing that holy kaabah.even just walking while recite doa.m njoying that much.because it sounds real.every little thing we do,i feel Him so near.so very near.i behave better and i like it.iam so comfortable in my other side of me.iam so calm n njoying mysef too much until now i guess i make myself so vulnerable.i forgot to think what to do next,what to feel next.

i cannot stop recall everthing that happens.i dont even sleep in 6hrs journey from mecca to medina because i dont wanna miss anything in between.even its just  pdg pasir or so.i donno but its just so calming.everything is soothing me.now i keep reminded of it,i feel so sad.

n m just back from portdickson.u never see me this boring.i still keep crying inside when everybodys is bbq-ing. my mind still need to differentiate that those moments gone already.be cheerful on this.but deep.i just cant.

if u ask me,wether i regret sacrifices something for this„,i dont. 

and i know what it means when some ulama mentioned that ‘dunia ini lelah’.it is.we have to fight even a tiny thing to make it feel alright in His eyes.we fight a lot to save us later.im scared to even think where i put my ownself,wether i choose wrong or mebbe its just not enough.OUR LIFE NOW IS SERIOUSLY STRICTLY TEMPORARY.but trust me,im still lost in my own city ;(

—suffocated.me—

p/s:i feel like writing it now.cause i miss every bit of moments there ;’) and thats why He doesnt invent one click to turn back the time cause i might clicks it irrationally and continuously?

sat,19th- tarik ain g melaka for i need to find ipad powerbank.i couldnt help but to buy it for my mostly 9hrs flight.turn out i didnt use it even once.*dang.bought half-heels when i suppose to buy sandals for wearing it in the next morning which it turns out giving me ache esp during saei *toink

giving mama her bday bash because 19thmay is sooo her big day.drag bigfamille to give her a big touching tadaaa.loves.

sun,20th- not even sleeping that night.we packed together in the living room once done i only start to read the omra book.to recall back of all thgs we shud n shudnt.gawdddd i started to miss that moment.

done packed.subh together.breakfast big famille.then everyone’s ready.off to klia around 9am by 4 cars.

klia.waiting and waiting.mcd together.then the briefing.well,this is where i guess i start to notice you noticing me.too much of staring u attracts me that way.LOL.

9hrs flight enough of giving me sucha severe headaches,i think i hate it before but i dont mind to face it back again if there’s a chance ngeh.flew off by emirates arab,which way better than the prev flight we had.so straight to jeddah hajj terminal.

arrived at 645pm arab time.niat in qarnul manazil *in the flight* 1hour before flight landed.thats the miqat of whoever from asia who wants to do omra.

off to mecca by bus in 2hrs journey.backache.nice.still,dont mind to have it again now =P

reach haram hotel,numbered 807.we are ready to finish whole omra.

finish at approx 3am arab time.stays and staring at kaabah with so many mixed feeling.after subh  BIG REST.oh my proper sunday.

mon,21st -yeap.still rest.body rest when you lays on ur bed.soul rest when you meet your creator.promise,being in that masjidil haram,where kaabah is sooooo in front of your eyes,you’re gonna feel the real comforts.like you’re being hugged by your very bestfriend or your very loving hubby*i think i know that feeling LOL* that understands you very much even youve no words to say.so speechless.but so relieved like you already blurted out everything and u really feel the hugs.u cry with the reason of hvg the most LOVE that u ever deserved or u act dont desrved.iam not exegerating.thats the best feeling one ever had ;’)

the climate-44degrees.so bahang in there but my messy soul is at rest already,i dont have anything to asked for.

tues,22nd-TRIP.to mina mudzalifah arafah jabal rahmah so so.hvg funnn.then doing 2nd omra.kaki menggigil hebat,tapi hebat lg feeling when u recite the doa provided every steps in ur tawaf and saei.you realise u missed a lot of thgs when you actually concerns more of dunya because theres more of akhirah you shoudve mustve achieved and thats the greater place to live.the long lasts.’dan tidakkah kamu berfikir?’

wed,23rd-addition TRIP.to hudaibiyah,camel’s farm.suppose 3rd omra.*seriously even tho u had ur pills,when He thinks you should rest,He gives you one.and thats when i have  intention on doing bidalan omra= omra for arwah maktih.but its ok,being there gives  more meaning then a bit rest.so yeah i rest still following moms to masjidilharam.

thurs,24th-my suppose 4th omra.theyare miqat-ing in tanaem.i am not following.but ‘when He said done,its done’ when’s not its not.i still took pills because i dont wanna prolong the -rest.

and you know,i hate botak,but i guess when u are tahallul-ing you can be the most handsome boy ok even if u’r botak.hee

seriously why islam cud be so beautiful?

fri,25th- tahlil for arwahs.bg money and names then we sits together in ‘majlis zikir’ to recite yassin n so.

in the eve,have to take one of my aunty to asian clinic wheres there this one indianmuslim doc and perhaps He notices how excited iam to watch him settling down my maklang’s luka on her leg, he knows that imma medic student*but lama lagiii nk abes* so he tends to ask me to take blood pressure.haha how cool is taht.and he lets me helps him bersihkan luka and so.seriously intretsing and he’s been there for 8yrs now he’s good in arabic.and you really give me an idea to stay like you.hello seriously living in tanah haram,whose gonna refuse?kaabah is only steps away baby.

at night,we had  hiking to gua hira.not we.my aunties hvg their only errr 5 steps then they just sat bac relax haha.abah’s acc me but he loses it already so im trying to be a superwoman saiditina khajidah khuwailid.i know i cnt.she’s the best you know.and one intresting fact is,the moon but no stars is really helping us in hiking,there’s no lights at all along the stairs to steps on.but whyyyy so bright?u tell me ;)

oh yes.this is when one funny thing but not a proud moment hppn to me.He is gvg me lesson you know. ;)

and still enjoying that night much.one good exprience.

sat,26th- HAHA.still the funny part.todays the mutawwif decide to bring my whole family to shops.only mine.so good eh u mutawwif,with so many hidden agenda that freaks mama abah out.n me too la haha*ops that i dont tell =P

sun,27th- the funny things stilll happen to perhaps entertain us in a wrong way lol.i am quite grounded.HAHA.

oh yes i lost my-rest n alhamdulillah i get to do tawaf sunat for maktihs.we didnt do omra for elders had pain a lot for 4days of continuous omra.

mon,28th- uwaaaa seeee time fly fast you know.so fast so like one click everythgs already happened isk.todays we did tawaf wida.say goodbye to beloved kaabah.and hello my medina!

stops at alfariq an having dulang foods.

reach medina.mubarak hotel.numbered err 1033.10 steps away from masjid nabawi.REST.

ok one fact.bila akhirat nnt yg pertama dibangunkan balik is rasulullah,nabi lain n sahabat utama,seterusnya penduduk di baqi*baqi is tempat kubur act.huu.the chosen yg He choses to take their lifes in madinah.semua isteri2 nabi pun dikuburkan di sini,except khadijah n maimunah.theres one story ni ade sorang ni dia nak meninggal sgt kat baqi he always pray to Him.then one time bile dia meninggal, dia meninggal kat negara dia,but then Allah amek jasad dia setelah dikuburkan ke perkuburan baqi.so what we do is act we prays to have baqi as our place because,bcx nnt kita akan di bgnkan cpt,dihisab cpt.kira nya bgs laa.emmm i know m not a gud mutawwif now.cita sgt berterabur =.=”

tues,29th- ziarah dalam.to raudhah.and to say salam to beloved Rasulullah saw n sahabats.

wed,30th-ziarah luar.to quba***really have to take wudhu from hotel,dari satu hadith Rasululah: maka brgsiapa yg mengambil wudhu dari rumahnya dan mendatangi quba untuk beribdah sunat,maka samalah pahalanya dengan pahala mengerjakan satu umrah***,ladang kurma,jabal uhud,masjid qiblatain,pasar kurma.sobssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.its soooo freaking near to say the whole n complete goodbye now.tssk

thurs, 31st- after asr prays,get into bus that bring us to medina airport.9pm arab time is our warmest but saddest wida’.

”YaAllah,terimalah ibadahku.dan semoga ini bukan kali terakhir untuk aku mendatangi kaabahMu,mensujud-ki Mu di masjid-masjid hikmahMu,melakukan umrah kepadaMu,semoga ini bukan kali terakhir dan bukakanlah pintu rezeki untuk aku menjadi tetamuMu lagi,dan jika ini merupakan kali terakhir maka Kau jadikanlah umrahku yang mabrur supaya suci aku dari dosa untuk mendatangiMu di akhirat kelak”

alhamdulillah.reach home safely 5pm yesterday.iv no words to say but to be so deeply glad He eases our way.He enligthens my messy feeling by His continuous love.i miss Him and everything so much,i really wonder what would it be like to be in heavens.because being there gave me a lot to differentiate between hvg dunya only or hvg dunya and akhirah together.but whats important is RAHMATNYA,BERKATNYA,KASIH SAYANGNYA.that saves us in so many ways.masyaAllah i know i miss Rasulullah so much.iv heard a lotsa thgs about him.i really wish to see him in person.lau kana bainana.masyaAllah the feeling is promise you,not to have it in any ways except when He lets you esp when you are there.and i still wonder whats our feeling in akhirah kelak being His syurga-guest when being His kaabah-guest can be the wondeful feeling iv felt ;”’) subhanaAllah.and every doa we recite there while tawaf and saei is the most sweetest doa,the most meaningful that one could only realise that ”was it hvg ur dunya really matters,when u offended your akhirah?”

so much to muhasabah diri and perbaiki diri for me.isk.

p/s n this when i really know the meaning of ‘bertemu dan berpisah kerana Allah’

salam.

bertemu dan berpisah kerana Allah.

tabah.redha. ;)))

hati kosong tertinggal kat sana.YaAllah rindunya aku kat sana.rindu sgt tak trgambar kat kata kata.rindu sangat.tergambar2 lagi terasa2 lagi suasana kat sana.masyaAllah kuatnya rindu aku padaMu kaabahMu cintaMu :”( sampai kan aku kat sana lagi yaAllah.amiin.

20 may-1 june :”“”)

i feel touched suddenly.i feel like so crying inside.

You know if You hear me my Love,My Lord,

Youll know how You giving me chances all the time,

making an apperance,

be there to feel You so near,

thats whats really make my everydays especially when its the saddest one,facing Your trials

thats what makes me stand to You all the time,to trust Your love

because i know You always hear,

now m so near to the day,i still wonder what makes You approve me

and iam touched to be among Your guest to that holy place

thank you My Lord for always remind me how much You loves us,Your always imperfect slaves.

;”)

ok.so m halfly done packing but most of thgs already sucked in my bags.emm just left gadgets,and all the wires charger thgs,and toiletteries,and emm err many more?

heee.so atleast this is the time when i act have a proper time to well, spend time with darlings,to give mysef a break,to PACKING.u know i only take few hours last time id go there right n oh mannnn i remember now i still not reading the book.n the handouts.i know my abahs around to lead but still iv to know whats and whats and whys.emm later will read.m so freaking tired now settling those cakes.

and to think back,funny i never have a chance to actually go to the kursus provided,when im already 3times being there.yes not once. ;(

hemmm im gonna take off on sunday 3pm *mind send me off in klia.LOL.

with my abah mama,and 4 aunties.i know m gonna miss abg alot for he’s not joining us this time.alaaaa who am i gonna powww this time,and what happen to our choc-mint BR time and talks time.alaaaaaaaa.

but but perhaps m gonna have time to concentrate myself moreeeeeeeeeeeeee on Him ;).not like last time you know,the last 2,3 days i get so tired i din know what i do,i end up sleeping while moms struggling doing her sunat prayers before subh time.but where m i?njoying myself too much on its comfy carpet.ishkkkkkk.in front of the most magnetive-kaabah.hemmmm.so rude -…………-

ok,im done talking.better pray for me alright for hvg a mabrur ibadah,n going back n forth safe soundly with my other fam members.amiiin,insyaAllah.

p/s wait for abg to return home soon.